i am
…a contradiction. No matter how honest my thoughts be, can’t seem to do me any good. I hate.. my noggin. My actions as of late contradicts my intentions and aspirations. Big prob. No prob. Whatever. Nothing can spell out my irrational behaviour. I noticed, i was already pushing them away- thinking distance can hasten the time. And time, they say, heals. Do you believe that? They didnt, not even in mockery, said what i ‘wanted’ them to say. Leaving me.. more confused.
"tama n, lubayan m n kmi ni dz."
"ayaw na kta mkita, mkausap."
I thought, if i’d read those lines in my mobile phone monitor, i’ll feel much better.
I am bitter. Now how many of you guys can say that? I just hate the fact i cant act on the very same predicament i’ve managed to assess. Dimwit. For a moment or two, i wanted to disappear. Die. The recurring thoughts had taken its toll on me. But, apparently, anvils don’t just drop from nowhere. And you dont always die when you dont fasten the seatbelt. Silly me.
For something so beautiful as love, yeah mushy stuff, ugly stuffs like getting hurt is just around the corner. I bought a dazzling album by paramita called tala. Out of sheer curiousity and fascination. ‘Heard them once at revolver prod. Nice, very nice album. And geez, i was right, depressing addictive stuffs. At least ‘got off that james blunt bug sting for a moment. Hell, track two finally made my pending tears roll on. Contemplated. For what seems a minute. God, i’m sorry.
‘Guess cant blame them if i got them boggled. I’m just… really… at a lost. But can you blame me? I hate being stupid. I felt extra stupid. I’m twenty two, yet still a rookie in such stuffs.
My mistake. I wanted, at least, the old us. Then again, too late. Or is it..
If this is a start of a chain reaction.. i’m caught off guard unlike you. I was already dependent of the ol’ us. Drastic changes came. Funny, i was, i felt i was better off alone before i met you guys. Dizzy kid on a wild swing. I never intended to bring up nasty tidbits in our past, i just thought i better be cleaning my hard drive. I might need the space.
You were the best friend i never had. I never even planned or dreamed working with you. But life got such humor, i can still remember us bickering when discussing a project at a food court with the others. But then we clicked. I dont know if it’s the same with you. Well, i thought so.
You on the other hand, were too good to be true. For such a young age, accomplished, and fascinating. And was always around. I used to sneak out, squeeze the time table, just to get moments with you. To good to be true for him. Kayo or not, does it matter. It just so nonverbally obvious you dont want me around. And the infamous ‘cge sb m e.’
Now tell me. What is so wrong with that one message i sent out? That maybe, my ultimate purpose is actually, to be that ‘obstacle’ that you guys would overcome to make your bond stronger and closer. Sweet, ey? At one point, all these are working so well for your admirable pics.
Yes. Sinasaktan ko lang sarili ko. But everything’s got a reason. That must be it. It’s a game of odd man out. Am just a mere consequence of their noble cause.
Believe it or not, yesterday’s situation started with me saying ‘i really hope you’re happy now. Kc sayang naman. It’s worth all the trouble, ayt’
And he’s full of glee. Forgive this pettiness. I’m tired of it all as well.
Keyword: Photography
Three words for me from friends: coffee. torete. deep.
Forgive me, for i do not know what’s happening. Then i remember, i dont have to know, for now at least. God, this brain… forgive me, i just hate it- workaholic thinker.
missed
‘Missed a Saguijo night. The usual admit one roster plus updharmadown and some more. Sayang. But never really want to go there alone. Who’d go then? Anco planned an early tagaytay trip for everybody. ‘Really hard to refuse that fellow when he do invite folks somewhere. Like, i’m expected to be there. And i guess, i would go. Although, this definitely mean, i have to enslave my self to work on this uncanny early sunday morn to produce something i just been advised of. Ok lang. Things will turn out ok. Sorry na nga lang, i wont be present later when the client come.
Ho-hum. I really should refrain from blogging. Nobody would mind reading these drivel. Ah, i forgot, i’m just amusing m’self.
‘Hope this espresso shots can keep me awake til the van drives by after i finish my layout chore. Hmm, Year of the Dog, i’ll be twenty-four next year! That’s almost half way to fifty, darn it.
Year of the Dog folks are (supposedly) : honest, loyal, discreet, leaders, sharp tongued, financialy carefree yet stable, notorious worriers, stubborn,
Carousel: this song, ria bautista ang galing n’yo. LSS na naman to.