hunh? talking to me?
Nagpapanting ang tenga ko gayong wala naman akong narinig. Kutob, haka-haka, ginuguniguni.
Tama ba na sabihan ang sariling hibang?
Let’s put it this way. ‘Always been a terrible thinker. And a critic. Nobody escapes my thoughts. Even i myself isnt spared. So there’s where the usual problems lie. I’ve always been too hard on me. Yep, blame it on the stupid self. Harsh. Issues, who would date a guy so honest with his shortcomings? I sought improvement, actually ’still in the process– that’s why i was oh-so confident time was my ally. Ho-hum.
And then came friendster. Blogging. Tell me, do all of you really believe you’re getting the ideas of every blog you read? Does the blogger’s words really define him? For all we know, you still are a stranger and his words, only He can really tell. Given we all write in the same language, there will always be this barrier of misunderstanding. Talking is still the best form of communication. But then you read it in a blog. Whatever.
One more. Yes, i’m fond of calling myself words like insane, whacko etc but somehow, it doesnt feel the same when these word are thrown at you. Pain and mockery is much bearable when self-inflicted you know.
I managed to register to a nonstop messaging. Amusing activity. Ate a lot of my time sans spending. Learned a few. Said a lot. Asked a lot. Made so many folks surprised. A very welcomed distraction. But then it expires two days from now. Sorry folks, i can only text so much.
Disillusion. Darn it, i’m twenty-ish, yup- young to some yet too old to actually recognize such word. Such reality. On a number of aspects.
Eccentric. Just like this blog.
Assessment. Funny i can give out an excellent advice while me, comes my turn cant take my own words. Ahh, blame it on my being human. Poor excuse. Really sickening to admit, but i failed myself so much lately.
Am quite bored. Maybe i should rewrite my pics’ captions for a change, what do you think?
Think of happy thoughts so you’d fly, be a peter pan even for a day.
…
October 26
What can’t kill you makes you stronger. This thought is starting to get funny. ‘Been through a lot the past two months. Unkind two months. In a number of aspects. Somehow, these things i’ve assessed as problems- they are not making me any stronger as of yet. Not even wiser. What these days did- shook my foundation and am starting to veer away from the thoughts and principles i’ve lived the past half of my life.
Such negativity. Am no longer in pain. Numb like there’s no more heart to hurt. Yes, the past and disillusionment has eaten me alive. Somehow, admiting such doesnt make me feel better anymore. Should i fight for something that no longer makes sense or give up what ever is left worth fighting for, for the mere reason, it wasnt my fight? (Of course, you dont have any idea what i’m babbling about)
As always, i’ve contemplated. Sought answers. Prayed. Shame i am still filled with negativity.
Middle life crisis? Bullshit. Spent so much time getting comfortable. Focused on the mediocre. Wanted to do things my way and thought i can handle everything alone.
Then friends stayed. ‘Delighted. ‘Thankful. Somehow.
My trust betrays me. I realized, i’m never been that confident about ol’ me. My past personal concept haunts me and am bound to damnation if i lose control.
‘Keep your emotions down and stay cool.’
I thought, after all the things that passed, i don’t have to remind myself of that line.
Reality check marco: you don’t always get what you want. You can’t possibly know everything either.
What is it do i want, then? Right now, i am short of words.
‘Got to keep things moving, kinetic. One chance to decide and live with the outcome. And there’s no refund. No promos either.
Why can’t i act on what i know..
What’s the life you want? Er, do i get to choose?
Well people do change. ‘Just have to refrain from being stubborn and seemingly naive so i wont be left behind. Life bites and it leaves bitemarks. Unsightly ones. Don’t you just adore one-liners..
I am eccentric. Egotistic. Self-absorbed. Absurd. What are you doing in my blog then? Because reading these makes you feel better, admit it or not.
Now do you all believe i am such? Is work to blame or it’s all in the f*cking think tank?
Life’s a joke. Just can’t laugh along right now.
Later, i’d go figure the punchline. Then i’d laugh the hardest. ‘Tis my sideshow anyways.
