marc’s so-called blog

Nothing happens overnight. They happen in an instant. ‘Just a matter of individual difference how the events will sink in. Pick up where you left off. The quest calls you back. Move it, adventurer!

A dive. A fall. A jump. Failure. A descent to oblivion? A rush towards the center. Nature called, heed.

Sometimes people get too high, they break away from the orbit. I had too much space already. So. ‘Finding my track back.

I miss my enthusiasm since graduating from college. I want that me.. ‘Found it.

It’s about time.

Nagpapanting ang tenga ko gayong wala naman akong narinig. Kutob, haka-haka, ginuguniguni.

Tama ba na sabihan ang sariling hibang?

Let’s put it this way. ‘Always been a terrible thinker. And a critic. Nobody escapes my thoughts. Even i myself isnt spared. So there’s where the usual problems lie. I’ve always been too hard on me. Yep, blame it on the stupid self. Harsh. Issues, who would date a guy so honest with his shortcomings? I sought improvement, actually ’still in the process– that’s why i was oh-so confident time was my ally. Ho-hum.

And then came friendster. Blogging. Tell me, do all of you really believe you’re getting the ideas of every blog you read? Does the blogger’s words really define him? For all we know, you still are a stranger and his words, only He can really tell. Given we all write in the same language, there will always be this barrier of misunderstanding. Talking is still the best form of communication. But then you read it in a blog. Whatever.

One more. Yes, i’m fond of calling myself words like insane, whacko etc but somehow, it doesnt feel the same when these word are thrown at you. Pain and mockery is much bearable when self-inflicted you know.

I managed to register to a nonstop messaging. Amusing activity. Ate a lot of my time sans spending. Learned a few. Said a lot. Asked a lot. Made so many folks surprised. A very welcomed distraction. But then it expires two days from now. Sorry folks, i can only text so much.

Disillusion. Darn it, i’m twenty-ish, yup- young to some yet too old to actually recognize such word. Such reality. On a number of aspects.

Eccentric. Just like this blog.

Assessment. Funny i can give out an excellent advice while me, comes my turn cant take my own words. Ahh, blame it on my being human. Poor excuse. Really sickening to admit, but i failed myself so much lately.

Am quite bored. Maybe i should rewrite my pics’ captions for a change, what do you think?

Think of happy thoughts so you’d fly, be a peter pan even for a day.

…

October 26

What can’t kill you makes you stronger. This thought is starting to get funny. ‘Been through a lot the past two months. Unkind two months. In a number of aspects. Somehow, these things i’ve assessed as problems- they are not making me any stronger as of yet. Not even wiser. What these days did- shook my foundation and am starting to veer away from the thoughts and principles i’ve lived the past half of my life.

Such negativity. Am no longer in pain. Numb like there’s no more heart to hurt. Yes, the past and disillusionment has eaten me alive. Somehow, admiting such doesnt make me feel better anymore. Should i fight for something that no longer makes sense or give up what ever is left worth fighting for, for the mere reason, it wasnt my fight? (Of course, you dont have any idea what i’m babbling about)

As always, i’ve contemplated. Sought answers. Prayed. Shame i am still filled with negativity.

Middle life crisis? Bullshit. Spent so much time getting comfortable. Focused on the mediocre. Wanted to do things my way and thought i can handle everything alone.

Then friends stayed. ‘Delighted. ‘Thankful. Somehow.

My trust betrays me. I realized, i’m never been that confident about ol’ me. My past personal concept haunts me and am bound to damnation if i lose control.

‘Keep your emotions down and stay cool.’

I thought, after all the things that passed, i don’t have to remind myself of that line.

Reality check marco: you don’t always get what you want. You can’t possibly know everything either.

What is it do i want, then? Right now, i am short of words.

‘Got to keep things moving, kinetic. One chance to decide and live with the outcome. And there’s no refund. No promos either.

Why can’t i act on what i know..

What’s the life you want? Er, do i get to choose?

Well people do change. ‘Just have to refrain from being stubborn and seemingly naive so i wont be left behind. Life bites and it leaves bitemarks. Unsightly ones. Don’t you just adore one-liners..

I am eccentric. Egotistic. Self-absorbed. Absurd. What are you doing in my blog then? Because reading these makes you feel better, admit it or not.

Now do you all believe i am such? Is work to blame or it’s all in the f*cking think tank?

Life’s a joke. Just can’t laugh along right now.

Later, i’d go figure the punchline. Then i’d laugh the hardest. ‘Tis my sideshow anyways.

…a contradiction. No matter how honest my thoughts be, can’t seem to do me any good. I hate.. my noggin. My actions as of late contradicts my intentions and aspirations. Big prob. No prob. Whatever. Nothing can spell out my irrational behaviour. I noticed, i was already pushing them away- thinking distance can hasten the time. And time, they say, heals. Do you believe that? They didnt, not even in mockery, said what i ‘wanted’ them to say. Leaving me.. more confused.

"tama n, lubayan m n kmi ni dz."

"ayaw na kta mkita, mkausap."

I thought, if i’d read those lines in my mobile phone monitor, i’ll feel much better.

I am bitter. Now how many of you guys can say that? I just hate the fact i cant act on the very same predicament i’ve managed to assess. Dimwit. For a moment or two, i wanted to disappear. Die. The recurring thoughts had taken its toll on me. But, apparently, anvils don’t just drop from nowhere. And you dont always die when you dont fasten the seatbelt. Silly me.

For something so beautiful as love, yeah mushy stuff, ugly stuffs like getting hurt is just around the corner. I bought a dazzling album by paramita called tala. Out of sheer curiousity and fascination. ‘Heard them once at revolver prod. Nice, very nice album. And geez, i was right, depressing addictive stuffs. At least ‘got off that james blunt bug sting for a moment. Hell, track two finally made my pending tears roll on. Contemplated. For what seems a minute. God, i’m sorry.

‘Guess cant blame them if i got them boggled. I’m just… really… at a lost. But can you blame me? I hate being stupid. I felt extra stupid. I’m twenty two, yet still a rookie in such stuffs.

My mistake. I wanted, at least, the old us. Then again, too late. Or is it..

If this is a start of a chain reaction.. i’m caught off guard unlike you. I was already dependent of the ol’ us. Drastic changes came. Funny, i was, i felt i was better off alone before i met you guys. Dizzy kid on a wild swing. I never intended to bring up nasty tidbits in our past, i just thought i better be cleaning my hard drive. I might need the space.

You were the best friend i never had. I never even planned or dreamed working with you. But life got such humor, i can still remember us bickering when discussing a project at a food court with the others. But then we clicked. I dont know if it’s the same with you. Well, i thought so.

You on the other hand, were too good to be true. For such a young age, accomplished, and fascinating. And was always around. I used to sneak out, squeeze the time table, just to get moments with you. To good to be true for him. Kayo or not, does it matter. It just so nonverbally obvious you dont want me around. And the infamous ‘cge sb m e.’

Now tell me. What is so wrong with that one message i sent out? That maybe, my ultimate purpose is actually, to be that ‘obstacle’ that you guys would overcome to make your bond stronger and closer. Sweet, ey? At one point, all these are working so well for your admirable pics.

Yes. Sinasaktan ko lang sarili ko. But everything’s got a reason. That must be it. It’s a game of odd man out. Am just a mere consequence of their noble cause.

Believe it or not, yesterday’s situation started with me saying ‘i really hope you’re happy now. Kc sayang naman. It’s worth all the trouble, ayt’

And he’s full of glee. Forgive this pettiness. I’m tired of it all as well.

Keyword: Photography

Three words for me from friends: coffee. torete. deep.

Forgive me, for i do not know what’s happening. Then i remember, i dont have to know, for now at least. God, this brain… forgive me, i just hate it- workaholic thinker.

missed

‘Missed a Saguijo night. The usual admit one roster plus updharmadown and some more. Sayang. But never really want to go there alone. Who’d go then? Anco planned an early tagaytay trip for everybody. ‘Really hard to refuse that fellow when he do invite folks somewhere. Like, i’m expected to be there. And i guess, i would go. Although, this definitely mean, i have to enslave my self to work on this uncanny early sunday morn to produce something i just been advised of. Ok lang. Things will turn out ok. Sorry na nga lang, i wont be present later when the client come.

Ho-hum. I really should refrain from blogging. Nobody would mind reading these drivel. Ah, i forgot, i’m just amusing m’self.

‘Hope this espresso shots can keep me awake til the van drives by after i finish my layout chore. Hmm, Year of the Dog, i’ll be twenty-four next year! That’s almost half way to fifty, darn it.

Year of the Dog folks are (supposedly) :  honest, loyal, discreet, leaders, sharp tongued, financialy carefree yet stable, notorious worriers, stubborn,

Carousel: this song, ria bautista ang galing n’yo. LSS na naman to.

Finally got tired of blogging. Ironic, i’m blogging about this, straight from the loony bin. Finally got tired blogging about those recurring thoughts almost around a month now. Hey, you think, if i steadily blog on those saGuijo nights, it’s a different thing? I dunno really. Maybe. Maybe not.

Ok, saGuijo nights it is. It’s different lately. Although same cool place of music. Maybe a matter of perspective. Although i never really been alone in gigs lately. One time, sir max was there with his ol’ revolver production buds. Nice folks. Excellent  line up as well- paramita, up dharma down, radioactive sago projects and more mostly indie bands. I even get to go home with a cd sampler with four songs. Just remembered, any of you guys know the tagalog word for carousel? I dont think it’s chubibo, ayt. That night, probably just the second time i didnt finished the whole line up. And probably the first night i gobbled on two baluts. Then, may yosi pala si manong… I already bought a dunhill pack(since it’s chards brand i thought) Well, whaddyaknow, i was already walking away from the bar when i remembered they were selling those revolver shirts.  I made up my mind and traced back my steps. Just for fun, and for keeps- ’sides sir max, revolver’s resident artist did the design. Kinda creative ‘evolve’ concept.

And then last night. I made up my mind and decided to get some booze at guijo. Orange and lemon’s turn. Surpise! Sir nelson was around and with his girl. The music kinda lighten up things. Sorta. And the crowd was ultimately delighted to hear pinoy big bro’s themesong.

Ho-hum.

See, nothing exciting to write. Things at the office aint an option either. Smoking issue, no, not really that bad. Drinking, neither. Hmmm.. Although anthony finally got into fcb- congrats, girl! Madz is almost off to Dubai- Good luck po. Things are moving and folks are moving up. NIce nice. Aileen’s fine with her exhibits as ever- kewl. Franco is so into ana. Alan’s doing great with his job.

And marco.. same old, same old. Athough aint really feeling well in lotsa aspects. Bad sorethroat. Tired and quite glum. Sheesh, can’t even go to the doc to secure a med certificate.

Hey, i was browsing, reading blogs and the likes, just found a post from isthy (isthy, sorry and thanks i kinda borrowed it)

It happens in a flash. A trigger goes off. Something snaps. When everything you believed in turns out to be the total opposite of the truth; a lie; only pretend –it may be only in your head, it may be real, but nevertheless, the faith is gone, the magic is lost, and all you have is disappointment of the possibilities.. comes in the what-might-have-been’s and the ache from knowing that nothing will ever be the same again. - disillusioned by isthy

Wala lang po. ‘Just found it fascinating. I somehow can relate to some parts. It’s nice though.

Funny there are just somethings you cant share, just a matter of circumstances.

Funny you know the right thing to do, the truth, but you do things otherwise.

Or siguro nga ako lang yun. That’s my ‘natural’.

My officemate chard got bitten by the james blunt bug, here’s the song for reference:

you’re beautiful james blunt

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

‘Got mixed emo on this. Beautiful song, just that there are stuffs in it i just, i dunno if the word’s ‘hate’. There’s something about songs like it that’s addictive- that’s why chard’s been playing it in ‘repeat’. Kinda wondering though, whether ‘blunt’ is really his last name.

Chard’s advice the manly thing to do now is accept defeat. Perhaps ‘got some truths in it, pero was it all a game? Someone loses, someone wins? It never sinked in me that way, though. And i really cant take others’ words for my predicament. I’m at war yes, to my own self. Thing is, if i win, i still lose. From where i’m standing, can’t see anything that’d cheer me up. And i cant get my legs to move.

Ho-hum. It’s a sale-load weekend– i ‘m supposed to be gleefully shopping.

limbo
sugarfree

nasa’n na ang umaga?
matagal na akong naghihintay, wala pa siya
di kaya natrapik o nasiraan
baka naman nalimutan na niya

nasa’n na ang kahapon?
nuong tayo’y mga bata pa’t walang pakialam
di ba sabi mo di mo ko iiwan
nasa’n ka, nasa’n ka na?

di makapagisp, di mapakali
kung wala ka
at parang kay tagal-tagal
mundo’y bumabagal
kung wala ka, kung wala ka

di makapag-isip, di mapakali
kung wala ka
at parang kay tagal-tagal
mundo’y bumabagal
kung wala ka, kung wala ka

kelan ba ako hindi mag-iisip?
kelan ba ako matatahimik?
di na ba matatapos ang lahat ng ito?
kelan ba ako makakaidlip

kelan ba ako hindi mag-iisip?
kelan ba ako matatahimik?
at di na ba matatapos ang lahat ng ito?
kelan pa ako makakaidlip?

burn out
sugarfree

O, wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa akin
‘Wag mo akong kulitin, ‘wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago
‘Di na tayo tulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali

CHORUS
O, kay tagal din kitang minahal

Kung iisipin mo, ‘di naman dati ganito
Teka muna, teka lang, kelan tayo nailang?
Kung iisipin mo, ‘di naman dati ganito
Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay

[Repeat CHORUS]

Tinatawag kita, sinusuyo kita
‘Di mo man marinig, ‘di mo man madama

O, kay tagal din kitang mamahalin

daisy
7footjr

pudpod na’ng mga daliri
sa salas ng pagdial sa number mo
busy ang linya, sinong kausap mo?
bakit nagseselos ako

kailangan ko nang aminin
sa sarili na ikaw ay
mahal ko

[chorus]                                                                

daisy,
magkaibigan, magbarkada, bestfriends pa
daisy, bakit ba may ikaw at may ako,
ngunit walang mangyari sa tayo (sa tayo)

kahapon ako’y nangako na
pipilitin ang sariling limutin ka
ayokong umasa dahil alam mo na
matagal na ‘kong nagmumukhang tanga

tanggap ko na naman
walang patutunguhan
tayong dal’wa hanggang kwentuhan lang

repeat chorus

kapag nagsisine
braso sa braso, nadarama mo ba ako
kasama araw-araw bitbit ang gamit mo
bumubuntot na parang aso
sadya bang panggimik na lang ako

repeat chorus

daisy (pangdisco mo lang ‘ko)
daisy (pang-isaw d’yan sa kanto)
daisy (pangyosi at inuman)
ayokong hanggang kwentuhan lang

fade away 
kapatid

Was it something that i said to you that didn’t turn out right?
Was it something that i did gave up the vibe?
Try to listen to yourself and then you’ll see my side,
Now tell me it ain’t about the fuckin pride
I say we fade away.
Why can’t we look each other eye to eye?
Complacency already passed by.
The good and bad times we’ve been through.
Why can’t we drop this shit and start the day anew?
I say we fade away…

Time and again we stood together side by side
I remember the time when you saved me when i dropped from high
But why do we tear each other limb by limb
But then again you’re totally out of my sight.
Was it something that i said didn’t turn out right?
Was it something that i did gave up the vibe?
Was it something that i said didn’t turn out right?
Maybe something that i said gave up the vibe…
Fade away…

ulitin 
POT

sa aking paningin + iba’t ibang landas + punong-
puno ng kulay + ingat lang sa ahas + pag-asang
hinahanap laging nawawalan + kaunting halik sa
ulap ako’y nabulagan + ayoko nang isipin + hindi
na uulitin + nadapa, nalunod + ayaw nang
bumangon + ako’y biglang namulat + kailangan
nang umahon + alam kong ito’y nakakalito +
kaluluwa’y huwag sanang lumayo + kay tagal ko
nang hinahanap + ang munting paraiso + hanggang
ngayon hindi mahanap + huwag nang hanapin
huwag nang ulitin + nasaan ka paraiso? + huwag
hanapin at ulitin + nasaan ka paraiso + huwag
nang ulitin

Consumed. This is perhaps the best word for me lately. And though i can not still declare i am a-ok, i know and am well-aware i’ve wallowed in my pitiful li’l world for quite a loong while. It’s time to smell the starbucks. Time to look out the window and see the scenery - a vast array of urban village rooftops. Or perhaps, tune in the television and watch - damn it.. unarmed activists getting hurt by the same men who sworn to protect.

I‘ve been hearing the news lately but it’s such a sad fact they so fit the comic books. Chopped arm in the streets, fetus found somewhere, a senator gone mad. I may not be the absolute current events authority but for sure, things been so wrong for so long now. I admire those folks who brave the streets and the unknown fate to voice out what they think aint going right. Because of people like them, there’s still proof the wicked system hasnt assimilated everyone. There’s a light at the far end of this dreaded tunnel afterall, hopefully someday, all with have the guts to voice out and act for true freedom.

And not just blogging. First, i was so consumed by my workflow, then my world got a wee bit smaller, succumbing to issues on self. I just hate it. Maybe i should accept the fact about my autism. At the very least, that would make me special, wont it? But no, as said this insanity of sorts got to end somewhere, someday. Amidst this predicament, i’m gonna use this space to give thanks..

Lord, Sir, i thank You so much and i owe You everything. I know i  have never been the best of the herd, but You make me feel so lucky just the same. I barely watch the television but one time, You showed me this rural family- the father works so far away from them and have to cross three mountains just to reach the school where he teaches. So much sacrifice for three thousand pesos a month. Shame on me i’ve been aspiring more than my current salary. They were a simple family yet seem so delighted when together.

I‘ve dwelled a lot lately and somehow overlooked other folks who cared. Thank You for these people who never failed to try cheer me up or share an ounce of compassion. i’m sorry as well if i am at times naive or numb or insensitive. Thank You for providing me the confidants when i need them most. Thank You for providing me the oppurtunities to be with my mom and some other folks who i rather be with when i feel troubled. Thank You for letting me know i can be a friend and indeed have a handful. Thank You for getting me job and making me a better person by learning from them all. Thank You po for standing by albeit my pettiness. There are a lot of things to be done around the globe, yet I know You’re just here. I am so sorry i failed You a zillion times, I thank You You never left not once.

Just this past hour, while brushing my teeth, i felt something in my heart area twist. Hurt real bad, and i wasnt capable to move lest it’ll twist more. Not exactly the reason why i’ve been thanking. Just another realization, still thankful i had the chance to thank.

And yes, thank You for all the memories. Albeit poisoned by my thoughts they were beautiful and were indeed happy.